I was raised in a large Pakistani family. We lived in a mixed setting where people from different families used to live together. As a teenager, I faced trauma when a close relative of mine started hitting two of my other relatives. He wrecked their brains slowly until they started hitting and verbally attacking the girls whenever they felt like it─one of my relatives who was harassed did this rarely though. There were times when one relative of mine would lock us in a room so that we may not be able to watch TV together. He was very young when he did this so I do not blame him.
True! There were many moments of peace and love among us. But, the reality is that all the victims grew up in a shunned and broken manner. I was called many names like “lazy”, “one who does not listen”, “procrastinator”, and “ugly”. All this was very destructive towards me because I started paying less attention to my school. I failed some classes; and, I had to take extra tuition lessons to get through. I also went through a major depression as a teenager, which was not treated fully because I never bothered to discuss it with those who would have heard me out. I sometimes used only my close friends to validate my needs. For instance, they used to get very surprised when I would ask them if I looked pretty or not? They would answer that, “Yes! you look really beautiful”; sometimes, I used to get scared after hearing this so I never told them that someone was always calling me “ugly” at home. Most of the times, I went through psychological abuse because someone else was being abused in front of me. I also went through mild sexual abuse as a teenager; and, I couldn’t discuss it with anyone because everyone else was busy handling other unresolved issues.
When I grew older and we moved to Canada, I got access to the Internet. I started learning things that I did not knew. This is when I learned about what counts as abuse; what are the effects of abuse; and, how to avoid being abused.
All these memories still show in the victims in traumatic ways. For example, sometimes, we argue a lot, which is very depressing. There are only some meetings where we meet in a happy manner and leave feeling satisfied. There are some meetings where psychological abuse takes place in an isolated manner or in a gang setting. We are trying to work together and help each other heal. We are still healing slowly on our own and in our own way. Even then, our bonds are strong; and, we know how to give each other personal space. This is why we are learning to grow while being away from each other. And, it is working out this way. I am sure this reconciliation would lead to healing and a stable future as a family. But, for now, I am still insecure about certain moments where a family member just gets angry at me for no reason at all─I can’t believe that I have been handling all this since I became mature enough to understand things around me.
I heal quickly because I am a lucid dreamer. Lucid dreams heal PTSD, which is caused by abuse of any sort. I had a super-brain so I still managed to heal over time. But, then the worst happened. A Buddhist Canadian male raped me; he was an Islamophobe and a woman-hater. Forcing me to do certain things was easy for him because I had some trauma hidden deep inside my mind─all this still falls under moderate (scale: mild, moderate, severe) sexual abuse because he is a gentleman rapist. Domestic abuse, systemic oppression offered by Canada, and previous sexual assault trauma played a vital role in allowing my past wounds to resurface. This happened while I was still a virgin so obviously I could not figure things out quickly. As soon as I figured out what he was going on, I escaped this devil’s clutches. I had zero emotional support from my family on this; I only had support in receiving medical treatment. One relative requested me not to discuss this with anyone. Because of this, I am trying to get away from them permanently. This time, I healed myself again by using Lucid Dreams and by educating myself about rape and sexual assault trauma─according to AJ+ video “Spitting the Truth About Sexual Assault”, rape is a crime that is 100% related only to the offender. The rapist had offered me a confession, which I accepted; he was already in big trouble because someone from his household was harassing him. Even then, I have not forgiven him simply because he told me that he is like a Devil and that he must not be forgiven. Nevertheless, I have successfully moved on with my life. He was really a very troubled person; I mean he used to call himself “The Devil”! Then again, he would never share too much about private life. According to the Canadian Women’s Foundation, 2 out of 3 Canadians don’t know what sexual consent means.
I feel scared while living in Canada. I feel that Canada played a very big role in causing a new sexual assault. I am revealing some of the details although I understand the importance of privacy in such matters. I have to do this because that’s how life is. There is always a strong chance that the rapist will attempt to nullify my story and the officials will side with him because Canada is a very misogynist country. There is also the chance that someone innocent will be injured even if that person has apologized and changed substantially. This is why I have decided not to give the Canadian justice system a go on this. I still need to feel secure about who I am and what all this actually means. So I am choosing to disclose some of the details. And, I am still in love with my family. Over years, I have reviewed many things including how to identify a narcissist or how to identify a rapist. I have provided helpful links in blog post “Regeneration“; I have written blog post “Safety Tips for Women“. I am glad that I can take care of myself without asking for help from anyone including the police or the rest of the Canadian Justice system. I feel more rested now!
Last Words: Don’t think that at the end of the day, I won’t leak something out. I am an ENFP, just like Anne Frank. Anne Frank was designed with the help of the Nazis of Germany. Some weird things like bullying and exclusion happened to me after 9/11; and, I did go through workplace abuse during the times when Prime Minister Justin Trudeau felt pressured enough to leave some comments about this issue. The ENFP personality is supposed to create lessons that will last for longer than expected. This is why, just like Anne Frank, I am documenting things in my book, “Intertwined“.
Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.