Around 7 years ago, I was raped by a Buddhist Islamophobe who was a Martial Arts Dan (possessed more experience than Black Belt). He got away because I was a virgin when I was raped; and, I really did not knew anything about rape trauma or how to react after the rape. I failed to request a legal investigation due to lack of family support; I did not speak to the rest of family members after an older female relative insulted me when I complained about what happened; and, I also felt worried about revictimization, which usually happens during legal investigations. Then a family relative helped me get some medical attention; and, my family physician provided me with printouts regarding relief from rape trauma. I think that all this is still considered insignificant amount of assistance! So I lived with my trauma for around 7 years and used lucid dreaming, writing, and trauma therapy to heal myself. A lot changed after I was raped. I became very scattered and frightened!
- I changed my city
- I stopped working out and doing things that I liked
- I stopped smiling and being myself
- I gained weight
- I developed two medical (physical) issues that were eventually permanently sorted out
I still remember praying to God for help. I still remember that the rapist confessed to his crime and asked me for forgiveness. I also remember that he seemed to have split personalities so I could not fully forgive him due to how he was brainwashing me; but, I made sure to get away. Like some of my other prayers, this one got accepted too─this is why I call such prayers, “The Silver Bullet“.
I took time to recollect myself. I completed a course on healing Depression; I read therapy suggestions and research about human behaviour online; I improved my confidence by leading Facebook group for abused women, “Forgotten Femmes”; I made sure to talk to my best friend whenever the need arose; and, due to the acceptance and support offered by my best friend, I was able to gradually open up about this abuse to two other friends. As I engaged in this quest, I learned many new things about human behavior as well as lucid dreaming. Today, I feel much healed and relaxed! Just a while ago, I realized that I had accomplished a lot on my own; and, I did this inside Canada, a country that offers very toxic environment to women especially coloured women.
I now know what I can end up achieving if I put my mind to it. I have been harassed and intimidated by men repeatedly because violence against women is on the rise. Read “Some Of My Brutal Mental Images Of Men“. But, I am still alive and kicking in the right direction. Staying optimistic and enjoying reliable company has helped a lot! I am now able to focus on exercises and sports to manage myself; and, I will attempt to join a survivors’ support group too. I will continue to try to find the real me, the one that almost got killed 7 years ago.
Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.