I Have Learned How To Make A Narcissist Feel Sorry

There are some pretty cruel narcissists in my family—you know the type that make you think only in the washroom. The challenge at my end was that I did not access to Internet when I was younger because I was living in Pakistan back then. The next complication was that I was too young to read into what was going on inside my family. So when I grew older and I learned how to use the internet, I ended up reading some articles about narcissism. This is when it occurred to me that I was dealing with some very experienced narcissists.

When a narcissist relative of mine moved out of dad’s place, he pointed to me and said that he is moving away due to me. I used to stand up for myself and for those whom he used to injure; obviously, he hated me a lot. I still laugh at this lie because I know that he left because he got a job somewhere. I realized that day that narcissists are very insensitive and they point fingers at the victims till the very end.

I am managing another narcissist relative by using some of these techniques. One thing I like doing is telling him that he is wrong in front of someone else who is more likely to take my side. For me, an Empath, some of these methods are actually too painful to utilize; but, I am very glad that I can use the rest of these. Read “How do you make a narcissist feel sorry?

Narcissism is actually on the rise in Pakistan and Canada; but, a lot of Pakistanis and Canadians are “unaware” of this due to the effects on the mind that are caused by “Gaslighting“. I slowly became aware of all this because I used to pray to God, which healed some of my trauma.

I like the fact that as an educated Empath, I am the worst weapon against Narcissists. I can clearly see how they go “flat out blank” after my ongoing efforts. Read “An Educated Empath Is A Narcissist’s Worst Nightmare: Why A Narcissist Can Never Get Away?” Narcissists attempt to subdue Empaths like me because an Empath’s superb character and personality are needed to make amazing Social heroes/heroines. Reading emotions and thoughts is one of the most basic things that an Empath can do, which is what’s missing in today’s environment. The best part of possessing this kind of mind is that I don’t fully realize my control over the minds of narcissists because control is not intended in any of my moves, which are somehow designed to add “some sort of control”. No wonder those who know me call me “grander than the rest” and even bullies revert to their normal self after my touch.

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.

Innocence

Today, I am reading another one of Barbara Cartland‘s clean romance novels and loudly laughing at my older self.  My mother gifted me my first copies of Dame Barbara Cartland‘s Regency Romance novels when I was a teenager. Here are some of my precious thoughts on these books:

The Story That Used To Run In My Head When I Was A Teenager

So there was once a Royal British man who had to make friends with lots of women since it was customary to do so. But they were all too needy and wanted this, this, and that; or, they were not the right one. One day, something bad happens like this man had to save a young ordinary woman who fell from a cliff; or he ends up finding a woman who has run away from her home. Then he falls in love with her at first sight and slowly realizes it. This experience slowly changes him into a better person.

The Story That Runs In My Head Now

So there was once a Royal British man who had to have sexual relationships with lots of women and call girls since it was customary to do so. But they were all too needy and wanted this, this, and that; or they were not the right one. There are times when he sounds way too bossy and mean—obviously, he abuses women too. One day, something bad happens like this man had to save a young ordinary woman who fell from a cliff; or he ends up finding a woman who has run away from her home. Then he falls in love with her at first sight and slowly realizes it. This experience slowly changes him into a better person.

But, then again, do British Royal men really marry ordinary women who are going through ordeals like attempting to commit suicide or running away from home? If yes, then why is Twitter not booming with these stories. And, what is this thing about slowly changing him? Is the heroine handling a narcissist male?

Hahahaha! This feels so funny inside my head right now. I was grown in Pakistan so when someone brings up friendship between guys and girls, it means having tea or chatting. I did not knew what a real sexual relationship is until I was in my twenties; I learned these details in Canada. I studied some of this subject on my own from home, in Biology classes, or by talking to my friends.

I love how I have an interesting memory of my younger self, which helps me relate well to a younger audience. Innocence is something so indescribable that you will miss it a lot when you lose it! For instance, now I have to skip some parts of these novels like when the hero is hanging out with other women; or, I have to read it over longer periods of time so I don’t think about what’s going on in there. And, when I was a teenager, I said the following when an older friend of mine asked me how I would spend my day after getting married: “After getting married, I will sing lots of songs.” I said this because my uncle used to sing a lot just before he got married. LOL!

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.

Why I Like Sewing?

My mom used to sew with the help of a sewing machine. Unfortunately, I was never introduced to itI did learn Chinese cooking when I was a teenager because mom found me a good teacher. I started learning sewing on my own because after my first couple of tries with using the needle and the thread, I started feeling very drawn towards it. My mom quickly showed me how to thread a needle and how to sew ripped clothes. Of course! over time, I also learned how to make patterned boxes by sewing wool inside some kind of plastic material; and, how to make a doll by stitching a material that felt like a mix of hay and fabric. I forgot about these more complicated tasks—except for Chinese cooking—because despite being riveting in nature, they served no practical use whatsoever in real life. Thus, I stuck to just stitching my clothes with a needle and a thread.

IMG_3908
I made this while I was studying a Canadian High School. I managed to save these in my small “memory box”. The rest of the stuff I made had to be thrown away while I moved.

I know that the fact that Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him) used to stitch his own clothes contributed a lot to how I maintained my habit of managing my garments.

When we moved to Canada, I got access to the Internet. This is when I researched things online and found out that the there are many benefits of sewing including improvement of social life, emotional health, environment, creativity, and self-esteem. Read Eve Token’s article, “The Benefits of Sewing: 9 Reasons Why Sewing Is Good For You!

So can you see now how the Muslims are a very blessed race even if they may not have access to technology or riches?

IMG_3910
Today, I am stitching my clothing before I bathe and wear these.

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.

 

Another Prayer Of Mine Got Accepted. Hello “Matchmaking”!

I am new to Ottawa; and, I am still looking for a husband. Its going pretty slow because the city has lots of desolate corners; really large streets; and, really less relevant events that I can find through Meetup.com or EventBrite.com. To overcome these hurdles, I did spend time online on two matchmaking sites; but, I did not find anyone worthwhile. Even some of my friends are looking for me; but, there is no word from their end so far. I definitely realize now that it takes longer to find a suitable match!

So I prayed for myself—I call such genuine prayers, Silver Bullet. Then, I went back to hunting for a job. I had access to some databases that contained names of employers. I hunted and hunted for a job for some months. Just this month—around a month after my birthday—I found a business that organizes matchmaking and dating events for Muslims. I spoke to the owner just a few days ago; and, my mouth literally dropped open when I heard her tell me this. I think I will join one of her events to find a guy. I still kind of wonder how exactly I clicked on her website given that I had access to information about so many other employers!

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.

How and Why I Cry?

I have always been able to cry even when my heart has calloused due to mistreatment. I find tears very beautiful.

I mostly cry when I am alone; I have cried openly at funerals of my loved ones. Usually, I have to make sure that I am in a safe place; then, it is easy for me to let it out. I also cry when I am very stressed about work.

I always feel more clear after crying. Its easier for me to focus on life after crying. I have gone through a tough time when I could not cry. I was too confused due to something; and, I forgot to cry. I started getting massive headaches after a few months had passed; and, I almost got depressed. So, I developed a method to make myself cry. To heal myself, I started listening to lectures by some of my favorite speakers; and, then I would slowly cry while falling asleep. When I cry like this, my tears feel so warm and safe that you have no idea whatsoever. Gradually, I was able to go back to feeling fresh and great.

According to M.D. Judith Orloff’s article “The Health Benefits of Tears“, tears heal the heart by decreasing heart rate and introducing a more relaxed emotional and biological state; and, tears release stress hormones from the body and cause the production of pain killer hormones endorphins.

Crying is so beautiful and universal!

crying

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.

Rahim Pardesi’s “Nasreen” Comedy Show Is Misogynist In Nature

Some Pakistani shows even comedy shows are very misogynist in nature. I was raised on some of these shows; but, I learned how to walk away on my own. While living in Canada, I learned about Rahim Pardesi’s YouTube videos. I watched some of them and found some of them interesting. However, the rest of these videos were very frustrating in nature. It is easy for me to notice that he displays main character “Nasreen” as a very odd woman who is a total misfit and an outcast. I find it very cruel to see that he expects people to laugh at this. I have laughed on some of these depictions as well because he is actually very funny—there are times he jokes about the male characters instead. Here are some videos that strike me as very very odd! What’s even more peculiar is that the young woman “Nasreen” is actually Rahim Pardesi himself.

The Gym Class: Nasreen goes to the gym and does absolutely nothing except to flirt with a well-built guy.

Iftar Time: Nasreen’s husband tells her that she should wait a bit more and she is not going to die doing so. This is how he is talking to her during the sacred month of Ramadan.

Natural Beauty: Nasreen’s husband complains that she has wasted her money on getting her eyebrows shaped because she got this done last week. So apparently, he is not reading into the fact that she is bored or that her eyebrows grew out of shape because hair grows faster for some brown women.

Shop Snatch: Nasreen is busy running in slow motion or playing video games while her husband’s shop is being looted. This shows how well they connect with each other and read each other’s needs. This also shows that Nasreen is just responding to ongoing neglect.

Desi Hunger Games: Nasreen eventually yells at her husband after he misses her anniversary. He then throws chocolates at her like he is feeding an animal. Then, he starts daydreaming about a pretty Indian actress, Katrina Kaif.

Desi Holiday: This video clips starts when Nasreen’s best friend calls her and tells her that she is going to “Barcelona”. Nasreen learns that she is going to Dubai and gets all excited. Her husband says, “Shut up! You are barking”. Then, he tells her that he is going to take her to Pakistan instead; she gets very unhappy when she hears this.

Nasreen Kidnap: This clip shows how Nasreen is kidnapped and how her husband does not help her at all when the kidnappers call for ransom. She runs away on her own; and, when she gets home, she finds out that her husband is busy playing cards with his friends.

Nasreen After 40 Years: In this video, Nasreen ends up befriending a psycho killer due to fear. She feeds him and dances with him—they don’t tell viewers that she has “Stockholm Syndrome”. The psycho finally kills her because she runs out of the food that she was using to stop him from harming her. Her husband comes home; sees the dead body; and, thinks that she is pranking him. He checks out the dead body for 40 years; and, keeps thinking that she is pranking him. He says something along these lines, “Wake up! I am going to work. Stop overacting”. This shows you that for many days, he has not bothered to look for her outside of this kitchen and that her life does not exist outside of the kitchen.

“Nasreen” is clearly misogynist in nature because it depicts hatred towards women and shows this in various ways including neglect and verbally aggressive language. Obviously! the influence of such shows does not end at the screen.

My personal experiences have taught me that some Pakistani households are very toxic for women and children. In such abusive and dysfunctional households, Pakistanis are learning things mostly from TV; thus, they talk and behave a little bit or very much like Nasreen’s husband. This kind of mistreatment is designed to break women’s and children’s confidence and ruin their future. Some of my close male relatives used to sometimes talk like this. Three of them have changed a lot over years, which is a good indication. But, two of the guys who have reformed still tend to get very grumpy sometimes and then verbally assault me; then they apologize sooner or later. It’s scary because of the nature of comments. It used to be worse when they were younger; but, they have somehow changed into better people. They had some trauma in their lives so it was easier to change when stimuli was removed. We are learning how to move forward by talking to each other. I have noticed that we still work pretty well together, which is probably because our bond formation is still very strong.

Overall, it is very crippling living with them or being close to them, which is why our family members have grown apart. Domestic abuse is just one reason why I am not planning to marry within my culture. There is always this fear that something torturous is going to happen to me. I engage in Lucid Dreaming; and, even then I cannot remove this fear from my mind. Another reason is that I know things are like this for some other Pakistani-Canadian women as well; and, I know that some of  them are bent on identifying themselves as non-Pakistanis so that they may not get shot by their family members.

Saying all this, I must comment that all this is true for some Pakistani households only. And, the only way out of this is by using mainstream media to engage, which is obviously not going to be done for quite some while. Pakistani mainstream media is usually filled with dramas, comedy shows, music shows, and reality shows. There is really less footage on how to overcome domestic abuse; how to have a stable married life; or how to be good parents. You can tell which household is abusive if you are a keen observer or if you are sticking around for longer. In a typical abusive Pakistani household, children are usually very well-behaved in front of strangers; but, at the back they are very mean towards each other, parents, or employees. If you are a keen observer, you might end up noticing a bad joke such as, “Why won’t you try to sleep outside today?” This will very likely get camouflaged as the rest of the family members would attempt to shrug it off as something funny or childish someone is saying to distract the guests. If you live with them for a bit, you will definitely hear the children scream and also see them fighting a lot. And, if you are close to the abusive parents somehow, you will see that you cannot mention Psychologists or Family Councillors to them. They simply won’t listen because they have played a role in creating this dysfunction.

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.

 

My Niece Myah

My niece Myah is now one year old. I am very much in love with my princess, my daughter, my munchkin. Today, she tried to say my name and my sister’s name; she has also been trying to say her brother’s name. Since she has not learned how to talk yet, she kind of blurts out some parts of the names, which sounds wickedly adorable. These attempts are the reason why I feel that she is going to be a linguistically gifted child. Today was more hectic than the rest of the days I have spent with Myah because now she is older than before.

Our day started out a bit lazy. I woke up with a mild headache due to stress; but, I still went to check out my niece and sister-in-law. After talking to my sister-in-law for a bit, I held my niece in my lap. I thanked God that she has become used to me by now—she was a bit shy at the very beginning. Her mother had already fed her so I mostly played games with her. We spent a lot of time reading children’s books; playing with her toys, real fruits, and the fake fruit basket; singing and dancing to the tunes of Sesame Street music; feeding each other; pasting stickers on each other; and, kissing, hugging, and communicating with each other.

My favourite part was when she would laugh at me after I used my nose to tickle her tummy. Even more interesting part was when she scratched my face especially cheeks and lips; and, I had to remind her to be gentle. When I said the word “gentle”, she gave me a solid stare and started listening to me; her arms literally froze in air as she stopped scratching me like someone is scratching a cat. I think she is used to playing like this because she is around cats a lot. Her parents are slowly teaching her how to listen and react to word “gentle”. I totally love her reaction to this!

Another best moment involved walking Princess Myah by allowing her to fold her hands around my fingers.  She held her arms up and then ran wildly as I ran with her. She has somehow learned how to apply pressure on my hands so that I may know which room she wants to enter or which way she wants to turn. We also walked outside for 30 minutes or so while my baby niece rested lazily in her stroller.

Another highlight of this day was when her mom and I decided to dress her up in her two new frocks. These are large and very decorated and frilled party frocks. One is coloured red with a large red rose on the waist; a bow belt that can be tied at the back; and, many frills at the middle and bottom of dress. The second frock is pink in colour; is embroidered with dark pink flowers; has a large white flower on the waist; and, has a very pretty bow belt. After we dressed her up in the red frock, she got so excited at the feel and look of the dress that she held her mom’s hands and ran towards my younger sister to surprise her. Her mom and I went almost crazy with excitement and fatigue as we tried to snap her pictures. Finally, we dressed her in the pink frock. Again, we tried taking her pictures; but, by this time she was pretty stressed. Thus she grumbled and became distracted. Her mom decided to give her my small hair clips to play with. She held them and marveled about them while we managed to take her pictures when she was sitting and standing.

She had to rest a bit after all of this; also, her mom and I were definitely tense and strained after this particular activity. Then, we were courageous enough to forget our need to rest and bathe her to relieve her. She was rather happy and energetic during the bath; and, she splashed a lot of water on her mom. I helped dry and dress her as her mom showed me some exercises she does with her to relax her.

Phew! What a gorgeous and challenging day! I am about to fall asleep early tonight. Her mom is still with her; and, I admire her courage and patience with my child Myah.

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.

My Favourite Treat: Achaar With Roti

I was introduced to Achaar when I grew old enough to eat spicy foods. As a kid, I used to steal and eat mangoes that my grandma had painstakingly cut and dried for the achaar. Achaar refers to a miscellaneous collection of spices, vegetables, and fruits; it is made in oil and spiced with several spices including chilies and fennel. It is also possible to have only one ingredient as achaar. For example, the Mango Achaar is made up of mangoes that are still young. Watch YouTube video “Aamb Da Achaar” to see how this one is made. If you love history, then view article “A Brief History Of The Humble Indian Pickle” to learn some of the complicated history of achaar.

Roti is one of the staple foods of Pakistan and India. It is made by using water to knead dough from floor. Then, you just need to roll the dough into a desired shape—I like square and round shapes. Sometimes, people use oil to make the roti; other times, roti can be filled with yummy ingredients like potatoes, chilies, or sugar. Check the video “How to make roti in 3 minutes” to learn how to make it.

Usually, we use the plain roti for eating achaar. I can eat a large roti with lots of very salty and spicy achaar without feeling anything other than joy. Sometimes, my nose starts running due to the spices; but, I believe that’s part of the fun. I know that a lot of people especially Westerners cannot eat loads of achaar; they usually keep one pickled carrot, mango, or lemon on plate. In contrast, I can eat like 3 to 4 servings in one day—by one serving, I mean a large spoon. You should try this treat too! You will notice that you will always want a little more of this, which is exactly what’s expected of you.

ichaar
I am holding my favorite treat: Achaar on Roti.

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.

 

What Makes Me Extra Interesting To People?

I used to think that my ENFP personality type and overactive mirror neurons were the reason why people found me captivating. Today, I read Travis Bradberry’s article, “Seven Habits Of Extra Interesting People”. Thus, I found out that that there are some other things that make me really stand out from the crowd.

    1. Try new things: I am always on the hunt for new friends; new places to eat; new courses to study; new kind of workouts; and, new lucid dreams.
    2. Don’t hide quirks: I am eccentric; I sometimes act in front of the mirror to create and develop characters; I daydream during the day and just before falling asleep; I am kind of awake while sleeping; I draw, dance, and sing although I am not excellent at these; I collect books; I am independent to a fault; and, I am content spending most of my time inside one room.
    3. Avoid bandwagon: I don’t follow someone because someone else is following them; I only offer love and support if I genuinely feel this way. I create my own path in this life. Actually expecting me to do something that everyone else is doing is finally going to force me to slap you awake somehow.
    4. Leave ego at the door: I don’t gossip about people’s flaws unless I feel very very much attacked and offended by some hate mail kind of activity; gossiping means sharing reality with confidants or writing books/blog to convey lessons; I don’t talk to win arguments; I rarely get jealous; and, I hate comparison games because I feel everyone is different.
    5. Always learning: I have always been studying; I learn even during sleep.
    6. Share whatever is discovered: You have my blog in front of you where I have shared a whole lots of significant stuff; I share precious things with others, such as gifting that very novel book I found after a lot of struggle to someone else; I even share insignificant yet intriguing things like that really odd stone I found while walking towards the bus station; and, I share some of my best and worst secrets with my closest friends.

eric-ward-342202-unsplash(1)

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.