Discussing Personal Issues While Eating Shows Real Concern

I have been requested a couple of times by certain relatives that I should not discuss some of my personal issues inside their house and that I must abstain from complaining about things that bother me while eating.

I feel this neglect of women is very common now; and, everyone is engaging in this including those Muslims who appear very pious and generous.

This is why I have always discussed most of my critical issues with certain women while hiding from the rest. We discuss these things while having tea and eating snacks⁠—its hard to catch what we are really doing this way.

I feel that nowadays only some people can show genuine concern in a safe mannerthe current systems of education and governance are partially to blame for this. Members of one’s household cannot really be in the same position as someone one once networked with and who promised one something but never gave it to him/her.

Every time, I think I am going to have a great tea party with a lady, I end up listening to some gruesome truth. This is how I get laden with issues; and, there are times when there are more issues than solutions. What I have hated gravely about the Muslims I have known as well as the Canadian society is the fact that every day there are more and more abused women. What’s even more disgusting is that even some men who are from the world of Interfaith Dialogue do not know much about the realities women especially Canadian Muslim women are facingI try not to laugh when I meet one of such men because their version of reality is so brainwashed that almost anyone can crack out. I believe they are like this because they are treated better owing to their male gender. But, I know that the abused women or survivors of abuse can’t think that perfectly, which is more real inside my mind.

Overall, all this is a never-ending tale.

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.

How Canada Abuses Victims Of Abuse

Victims of abuse can be jailed because they are confused and did something wrong. For example, someone who was born to a man who just hits to convey his point will think that that is the right way. This conclusion is based on the Bobo Doll experiment, which shows that people learn through acts of rewarding and punishment and by watching these acts being performed on someone else. Read “Bobo Doll Experiment“.

Now, read the following articles:

Exposing Canada’s ugly mental-health secret
Why more Canadian millennials than ever are at ‘high risk’ of mental health issues
Half of Canada’s prisoners were abused as children, McMaster study suggests

So all of these are suggesting that mostly children and poor victims are likely to go unattended and thus abused further through jailing or legal fines. I cannot believe this! I cannot believe that Canada is playing a role in creating mental health issues!

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.

How An Ottawa-Based Quran Teacher Emotionally Abused Me

I am new to Ottawa so I do not know many people here. I am also trying to move out of my relative’s place to avoid arguments that sometimes happen. Of course! I am not physically harmed ever; but, it’s not healthy for a sensitive person like me to stick around when verbal arguments take place.

So to settle in properly, I did some research. I found out that Barrhaven’s SNMC masjid had a female Quran teacher who teaches Quran to women in a group setting. I wanted to connect with her so that I may find a way out for myself and introduce the Buddy Program to the Muslim women of this city. She lives near where I live so I walked to her house and left a message for her. I have met her in person a couple of times before this incidence. When we finally connected, I frankly told her the situation at my end and my need to leave my place. At this, she replied, “Your family is very important for you. If you need help, go to a community centre.” I found her statement bizzare because I realized that she started preaching me right away; and, did not say helpful things like “I will help find the right contacts for this because I have access to lots of women”. I was very shocked when I experienced this; so for some days, I chose not to talk about it. Soon, when I got over this, I started typing this post.

My situation is not urgent; but, it requires planning. I was very dismayed that she never bothered to sit and talk to me. She just said this to me while we were still standing at the door. I feel there is something really wrong about the way she behaved. She is asking me to depend on my family after she met me at her door. Did it not occur to her that something was wrong?

The community centres and shelters are not helping abused women properly out due to lack of funds. They are actually sending abused women back to their abusers. Read “Shelters in Canada are turning away women due to lack of resources, funding: studies”. And when you ask help from community leaders, you can be misunderstood or neglected.

What exactly is she teaching to women while she is teaching the Quran? She is sitting in leadership position; but, look at how she reacted when I asked for help. In my mind, a teacher (leader) has to be a very resourceful. I am noticing that some Muslim leaders are mindlessly sharing this notion but not following it. Why is she sitting in leadership among women if she cannot handle their situations and needs? What if another woman approached her? Is she going to tell her that her family is very important and thus suggest that she should stick around?And, it’s not just her who would rather preach than to take action. I have written about this before in the post “Be Aware Of Some Imams Or Muslim Men who Are Trying To Handle #MeToo Discussions”. Preaching or shaming women to do religious things or to tell the truth is a group thing among some Muslims. Yet other Muslims will stand against this mentality because they can think along the lines, “I can trust her” or “she deserves more attention because our Prophet has taught us that women are important than men”.

To conclude matters properly, I had to block her from my life. I am not going to enter her circle or talk to her students. What if they are subdued? Should I be handling them when I need solutions fast for issues about neglect of women. I cannot simply go and state to them, “Help me get in the right position fast because I am playing buddy for another abused woman who also needs help and I am running “Forgotten Femmes”. I cannot state this to her and her students because I am considering the entire circle a potentially unsafe environment.

Reality is that after meeting this Muslim woman and the Muslim man mentioned in the blog post “Be Aware Of Some Imams Or Muslim Me. who Are Trying To Handle #MeToo Discussions”, I have felt dismayed enough to think about this article, “Federal report finds 476 people died of domestic violence in Canada between 2010 and 2015”. I feel it’s the Muslim leaders like these who are responsible for how the Muslims around the world have been scapegoated as corrupt people who seek to oppress women.

Lastly, I must comment that I accidently met a Hindu neighbour who made sure to invite me to her house and treat me. She soon learned that I was new here and struggling to adjust. She was waaaayyyy more hospitable than this Quran teacher. Her house is always open for me; and, I have regained some stability due to her efforts. Some Muslims need to realize that God is really looking at your character and conduct and not counting how many people you are mindlessly preaching.

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.

Do You Feel You Are Being Isolated From A Group?

If you feel that you are being isolated from a group by a couple of people—it is possible that they are your loved family members or close friends—who could also be your friends, then it is time to walk away from them. My experiences have shown me that dysfunctional families function like a cult. There is always one person almost everyone follows more. Within a family, it is easy to brainwash people because sometimes all you have to do is make somebody just sit in their room all day.

There are many hard-to-notice ways of isolating someone who is close to the abuser(s). One way is to constantly group with others and neglect the victim. Another method is to point fingers to the victim so that he/she may start feeling disconnected. Picking fights with the victim during travel is also a very popular method because the victim is already been considerably isolated from his/her usual setting. Telling the victim that he/she is forcing suffering upon himself/herself by boycotting the rest helps abusers showcase the victim as “ugly duckling” who is very unfit.

The same set of mind games apply to the Muslim families who are dysfunctional in nature but fail to acknowledge this issue. Remember its easier for the Muslims to hide that they are abusing someone because they can easily go around pretending to be religious. I myself have witnessed a Muslim man who used to beat his kids at home and then pray five times and fast throughout Ramadan like nothing happened. I have also witnessed how young Muslims walk away from prayers simply because within an abusive household, prayers can be considered as a type of Activity Pedagogy, which is designed to brainwash people—if they walking away in such a setting, then they are probably really smart. Also in some households that are chronically ill, methods of abuse don’t stop but evolve. For example, all Muslims are aware of right of education and job. When the victim was young, he/she was being abused by the relatives who attempted to prevent and discourage him/her from having a job. But, when the victim grew older, he/she was told to hold a job but then isolated in other ways such as victim blaming or silent treatments. Do you see now why it is tough to point out to an abuser who just happens to be a “practicing” Muslim? Same applies to people belonging to other faiths who appear righteous and caring to outsiders.

Read article “Top 10 Brainwashing Techniques” to learn about more brainwashing techniques. If you are being abused at home, then you can create your checklist about tactics that have been used on you so far. Trust me!  Its better to realize that you are being brainwashed and reprogrammed and not grown properly than to just ignore this painful fact. Victims of abuse don’t like to admit this because they don’t know the next step in their lives. Teaming up with another victim of abuse or almost anyone from within your community will help you voyage appropriately within this “new and truer world”.

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.

Why I Believe Some Or Perhaps Most Pakistani Households Dismiss The Females

Just recently, a friend of mine talked me into communicating with a Pakistani-Canadian Medical Doctor who was looking for a wife for her son. Initially, I wanted to ignore her request to connect with this woman because 1) I had already decided not to marry inside my culture; and, 2) I prefer talking to guys before bringing in the parents.

My experiences have taught me that some Pakistani households are extremely abusive and very dismissive towards the female gender. I have been walking away from them for a very long while. I am very much convinced that some of them are very dangerous for the girls and women. There is no way that you can sit and breathe properly next to them.

After my friend pushed me, I decided to talk to this woman on the phone. This is when I had to listen to a whole lot of garbage. Just be patient as you read this because it is very hard to read into what this lady is actually saying.

When I told her what my designations were, she seemed blank and did not understood what I was trying to convey. I attempted to briefly explain to her about my career; but, when I said that I am a Certified Technical Writer and Certified Event Planner, she became dismissive in nature. Yes! It was very scary just talking to her over the phone. She ignored my explanations by saying that anybody can be an Event Planner. This is how they are abusing the women! It was clear to me that she did not knew what these careers mean; where such professionals work; and, what their salaries are.

One important step that I took while talking to her was not to reveal too many details like where I work, my future projects, and my writing blog. I hid this on purpose because I wanted to see her genuine responses. I briefly talked about how I am running a Facebook group for abused women because I have chosen to be a Women Rights Activist; and, then I talked about the sensitive issue of rape. She said that personally she would not like to talk about it; but, if a victim feels differently, then she will support that person.

After this rather insignificant conversation, I never received another call. Of course! I am very happy that she never called again simply because I did not like the fact that she was trying to show support of such a challenging issue as rape while sounding so ignorant about my education. At one point, after listening to some minor details about my career, she probed me rather intrusively, “Yeah! But what is your education?”

Now all this won’t ring any bell inside your minds unless you have dealt with Pakistani narcissists before. Every culture offers a different kind of abusive environment; what is being said and how it is being said is conveyed through the entire society somehow. Thus, Pakistani narcissists mistreat and neglect in a very specific manner. For example, one of my male relatives used to say to me that he wonders if I will ever be able to stand at reception of a privately owned business granted that he helps me start one; he stated this after he had learned that I have been successfully able to manage large teams and multiple departments at work. He acknowledged that I did all this hard work at a great company; and, then he added doubts inside my young mind in a demeaning manner.

Please notice that it is very hard to catch what they are actually trying to say and that you can only understand what is going on after you have seen this kind of attitude being repeated many times.

Here are other some other things I have found out about Pakistanis.

Some or perhaps most of them have a very closed attitude towards divorced people—I am concerned because I know that creating a void around divorced people harms the society by injuring them first. Read “ENFPs Are Designed To Create Clash of Ideas“.

Sometimes narcissists family members gang up on a single victim. This has happened to me; through experience, I have learned how to use certain techniques to daunt them. What’s interesting is that I can perform these techniques while feeling pain; but, these narcissists actually feel happy and relieved when they point fingers at me. Read “I Have Learned How To Make A Narcissist Feel Sorry“.

Pakistani media including YouTube videos share extremely misogynist concepts with their broad and diverse audience. You can see this when someone as young as Rahim Pardesi—he is a British Pakistani—makes fun of the female gender on YouTube. Read “Rahim Pardesi’s “Nasreen” Comedy Show Is Misogynist In Nature“.

Another valuable notion that I have learned while dealing with abusive Pakistani families is that they openly support men and boys more; but, when the females complaint about this attitude, they say, “But, I support you as well. I don’t ignore you”. Then they go around saying five prayers and fasting full-time after admonishing the victim not to seek a Councillor or a Therapist to discuss the troubling issues that she has been forced to face.

Yet another thing that I have learned through personal experiences is that Pakistani narcissists actually love bomb under the pretense of religious obligation.

Victims who have trauma may never have the right amount of support because they are usually surrounded by multiple bullies who are all versed in different tactics which they apply one-by-one on the same victim.

These are the reasons why I am choosing to walk away from the Pakistani culture despite the fact that I have spent a significant portion of my life in Pakistan; I have been raised as a Pakistani; and, I  have been surrounded by Pakistanis all my life. Although most of the abuse that took place inside the household has stopped, I still face lots of uncertainty. Mostly, I am afraid of being sexually violated because that happens a lot in Pakistan. Read my experiences “Some Of My Brutal Mental Images Of Men“. Know that I am not walking away from them as a Canadian but as a HUMAN! Even as I walk away, I intend to stay connected with some of my sincere and loving relatives and friends. Read “Why I Plan to Marry Outside Pakistani Culture?” And, know that I am very proud of the fact that I have written this all based on my experiences. Writer Faiza Ilyas notes the following in her article “Every second woman suffers domestic violence in Pakistan“:

…experts expressed concern that the country had not a single designated functional trauma center despite the fact it was among the top countries in the world severely affected by violence and terrorism.

Here are two more helpful articles:

Domestic violence: victims are left on their own in Pakistan
93% of Pakistani women experience sexual violence

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.

How “One World Film Festival” Raises Awareness About Global Issues

Canadian youth and adults are challenged by a fast-paced system and a politically charged environment where many are aware about the need to promote awareness of relevant international and local issues. A film festival like One World Film Festival (OWFF) thus plays a pivotal role in shaping opinion by empowering citizens. People who are dwelling on Planet Earth in today’s world are pressured to absorb information fast, which is how the new generation is being shaped to work and think more quickly by retrieving data from various stimuli and resources.

One of the very first films that I watched—in grade 11, I think—to learn about issues surrounding mental and physical health was Tennessee William’s “The Glass Menagerie”. This fiction movie shares the story of Laura Wingfield, her brother Tom Wingfield, and their mother Amanda Wingfield. What struck me as stunning about this movie was the fact that Laura limped and was also mentally fragile; and, the use of a glass menagerie to symbolize Laura’s refuge in her imaginary world as well as her sensitive memory. I remember feeling very moved after watching this picture; and, I promised myself to keep learning through such expressive broadcasts. As I grew older, I became more familiar with the world around me; and, finally found a festival that helped me fulfill the promise I had made many years ago.

One World Film Festival (OWFF) is Ottawa’s longest-running documentary film festival that seeks to use media and performing arts to educate people about several global issues including women empowerment, identity, migration, indigenous rights, social justice, human rights, and environmental issues—specifically, it connects marginalized communities and Third World population with Canadians. Its a very historic event! Its interesting to see how One World Film Festival’s poster has changed over time. See Past Festivals – 1989 to 2016.

Nowadays, people have access to many learning platforms including social media, open learning services, and free libraries. So why would someone want to spend their money to watch films? My experiences with the world of movies have taught me that motion pictures teach faster because they offer multi-sensory and collective experiences where one may feel one’s emotions as well as those of the audience and movie characters; learning can be completed in an incognito and relaxed environment; and, it becomes possible to focus on multiple issues and literary techniques and not just one or two. Now imagine going to the One World Film Festival (OWFF) and being bombarded by many educational pictures!

Come join this memorable adventure! One World Film Festival (OWFF) is coming to Ottawa again this year. Don’t forget to support their 30th Anniversary by donating to their crowdfunding campaign. Hurry Up! Campaign ends on June 2nd—they have only 7 days left to raise funds.

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved. 

Why Abused Women Cannot Screen For Good Men Properly Without Aid

Victims of abuse cannot screen for suitable men properly unless they receive aid like articles, videos, or emotional support. This is because they have been conditioned to stay silent about bad behavior that is often mixed with body signals and comments that seem accepting and encouraging in nature. If you are growing this way, then obviously you are going to think about whether the signals you are receiving are genuine or not.

Here is a personal story that should remind you how exactly victims of abuse feel confused about what the other person really wants from them. Once, I was sitting in an office when my male boss leaned towards me and talked to me; he also fiddled a bit with his shirt. Both of these are signs that someone likes you. Read points 6 and 32 of article “46 Male Body Language Signs He Likes You“. At that time, I was unable to read into these cues but something else happened that triggered the rest of my reaction. When it was time for lunch to which he has invited me, he verbally pushed me to go in his car. I told him that I can drive over myself; but, he did not want to listen to this alternative. I hated this about him; and, I was uncomfortable during the entire ride. I held my cellphone in my hand; and, I even pretended to use it. I can’t believe I sat in his car! I was safe throughout all this though! I eventually left the job due to this particular incidence. This is how women who have been mistreated in the past cannot read the body language and behavior of men properly—I am glad that that day, I was more aware of my professional and personal boundaries.

I have learned that its easier to learn about appropriate male behavior and body language by using the Internet. Its tough to do this in real life because of confusing men. I strongly recommend that women should always educate themselves by reading helpful articles. For example, look for articles like “46 Male Body Language Signs He Likes You” and “10 Things A Guy Will Do If He Likes You“.

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.

ENFPs Are Designed To Create Clash Of Ideas

I am an ENFP; over time, I have only found out that it is tough to fit me into smaller compartments of opinion. Here is a very meagre example that shows a broader lens.

Yesterday, I was talking to a well-educated and privileged Pakistani friend of mine about how I intend to support a soon-to-be divorced woman. She minded that and said that you should prioritize your needs first. Her sweet comment was, “You are not even married. You need to start looking for a good guy for yourself. Don’t worry about others.” I did not mind what she said because I knew that she meant well. Later, when I got home, I realized that I will help that soon-to-be divorced woman. Reality is that my needs do not fully click in my head. Instead, the following thought strikes me more:

If I desert her, there is no example setting. People are already ignoring those who need help. And, if I desert her, then I have killed a portion of my network, which will collapse some portions of other women’s networks. I mean this chain reaction just starts on its own when a woman is neglected.

Did you see a severe clash of ideas here? Did you also see how real leaders think? Inside my mind, it feels like walking a fine line; a little mental push here and there easily collapses one concept and forms the other. This unsettling way of thinking is very natural for ENFPs like me. In the end, an ENFP can choose the right path based on the broader grid. For me, this grid is built by Prophet Mohammad’s actions where he never ignored the oppressed and needy.

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.

I Have Learned How To Make A Narcissist Feel Sorry

There are some pretty cruel narcissists in my family—you know the type that make you think only in the washroom. The challenge at my end was that I did not access to Internet when I was younger because I was living in Pakistan back then. The next complication was that I was too young to read into what was going on inside my family. So when I grew older and I learned how to use the internet, I ended up reading some articles about narcissism. This is when it occurred to me that I was dealing with some very experienced narcissists.

When a narcissist relative of mine moved out of dad’s place, he pointed to me and said that he is moving away due to me. I used to stand up for myself and for those whom he used to injure; obviously, he hated me a lot. I still laugh at this lie because I know that he left because he got a job somewhere. I realized that day that narcissists are very insensitive and they point fingers at the victims till the very end.

I am managing another narcissist relative by using some of these techniques. One thing I like doing is telling him that he is wrong in front of someone else who is more likely to take my side. For me, an Empath, some of these methods are actually too painful to utilize; but, I am very glad that I can use the rest of these. Read “How do you make a narcissist feel sorry?

Narcissism is actually on the rise in Pakistan and Canada; but, a lot of Pakistanis and Canadians are “unaware” of this due to the effects on the mind that are caused by “Gaslighting“. I slowly became aware of all this because I used to pray to God, which healed some of my trauma.

I like the fact that as an educated Empath, I am the worst weapon against Narcissists. I can clearly see how they go “flat out blank” after my ongoing efforts. Read “An Educated Empath Is A Narcissist’s Worst Nightmare: Why A Narcissist Can Never Get Away?” Narcissists attempt to subdue Empaths like me because an Empath’s superb character and personality are needed to make amazing Social heroes/heroines. Reading emotions and thoughts is one of the most basic things that an Empath can do, which is what’s missing in today’s environment. The best part of possessing this kind of mind is that I don’t fully realize my control over the minds of narcissists because control is not intended in any of my moves, which are somehow designed to add “some sort of control”. No wonder those who know me call me “grander than the rest” and even bullies revert to their normal self after my touch.

Copyright © by Arzoo Zaheer. All Rights Reserved.